![]() ![]() We need a new plan," and then come together to figure out what works for both of you. You may say to your spouse, "This has not been working for us. Responsive is when you take a moment, consider the implications of what you’re about to say, and respond with grace. Your mother-in-law subtly or not-so-subtly tells you you’re doing it wrong, and you react without thinking. Reactive is when you immediately respond with fear, panic or anger. Gregory explains that when faced with an issue with your in-laws, there are two ways of dealing with it: reactive and responsive. ![]() This may seem obvious, but in a moment of conflict, it can be difficult to remember what we’re responsible for. We’re only responsible for our own responses Ultimately, you need to ask yourselves: "How do we be a ‘we’ in our parents’ presence? And not a ‘you’ and ‘me’." 3. There may be moments, as a couple, when you have to agree to disagree with your parents and in-laws. If, on the other hand, your spouse has an issue with your parents and you’re the one who doesn’t see it, Gregory suggests you asks yourself, "How invested am I in caring well for my spouse?" Are you willing to put your marriage relationship above your relationship with your parents?Īccording to Gregory, it’s crucial to be united because it’s in unity that you can better experience healthy in-law relationships. For example, "Every time your dad comes to the door, he’s eyeballing me and judging whether or not I’m properly providing for his daughter and it makes me feel like I’m not good enough." Tell them, "You’re not hearing me," and then explain the situation and how you feel. If you’re faced with a situation where you have an issue with your in-laws and your spouse doesn’t see it or doesn’t acknowledge it, Gregory suggests you take a step back and ask yourself what the real issues are within the marriage. When you’re with your parents, with your spouse’s parents or on your own, you must always take care of one another first. Since you and your spouse are both to leave your parents and hold fast to one another, it’s clear that you have a new priority: your marriage. The marriage relationship always comes first When you get married, you can certainly feel supported and encouraged by your parents, but Cunningham notes you cannot allow your parents to have control in your life – and especially not in your marital relationship. ![]() "You begin making decisions with your spouse in mind, not your parents." "Leaving your parents relationally and emotionally means you leave and abandon their expectations for your life," Cunningham explains. What’s more important is leaving relationally and emotionally. Ted Cunningham, in Ready to Wed, explains that this isn’t just about physically leaving. In Genesis 2:24, it says, "Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh."īefore you can become one with your spouse, you have to first leave your father and mother. A healthy marriage has two independent adults who have left their parents Here are seven things Gregory – and other experts – suggest you remember when you’re caught in this conflict. Whether it’s something big, like a difference in religious backgrounds, or something small, like a difference in Christmas tree toppers, families everywhere are feeling the tension of unhealthy in-law relationships. Karin Gregory, a Focus on the Family Canada counsellor, frequently gets calls from people who are struggling with this exact issue. ![]() What can you do, then, when your in-laws won’t let go? And how do you navigate this issue without creating more problems or a divide that feels too big to cross? Whether you’re newlyweds or married for years, struggling to get along with your in-laws while also attempting to create your own relationship outside of their control is a line many people walk – and many trip over. When you mention any of these scenarios to a group of married couples, nods of understanding and sighs of agreement can be heard around the room. "My mother-in-law pops by without asking and redoes housework I’ve already done." "My wife still asks her father for advice instead of asking me." "My husband always stops by his mom’s house on the way home." ![]()
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